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This article is from the archive of our partner. The Delta Gamma sisters at the University of Maryland showed so little enthusiasm at parties with a fraternity that it apparently sent a DG executive board member at the school spiraling into social anxiety and paranoia, which she expressed in a profane and occasionally ALL-CAPS email to the sorority's listserv. The sisters had not been charming conversation partners — whether drunk or sober.

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I would like to be the kind of person that an acquaintance would assume is so intrinsically cool that, even as a youth, they'd imagine I was probably reading a lot of Palahniuk and really into arcane Hebrew psych rock. And that I spent my free time dyeing my hair teal, quoting Seinfeld, and studying Japanese—a precursor to Tavi's Rookie girl, I guess. You see, anyone can be into weird shit as an adult, but having had those interests as a teen is a real victory—the authentic vintage Chanel in the smelly, rotting, thrift-store mess that is high school.

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Two words: date functions. There are few joys in the world greater than the shitshow that is a sorority formal. You can learn firsthand just how terrible sorority rush is compared to ours.

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